Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
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date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
not to brag, but mine was free
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.