Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
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Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
what’s in a name?
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher