Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.
You Might Also Like
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
At ease
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave