Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice

[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby

once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own

my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon

My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.

Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?

Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.

A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse

If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.

If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.

Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.

(grounding my kid) go outside.

I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence

Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.

ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin

My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”

Love you Dad

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.

Black ice is just like regular ice…

Except it’s a better dancer…

I used to have dreams.

Now I have Doritos.

Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant

Me: Eat over your plate.

8-year-old: I am.

Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?

8: Gravity.

me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one

*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see

me: psst, wanna see a dead body

nurse at my first surgery: no

A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?

[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born