Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.
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Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!