Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
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ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.