Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have

I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.

[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

*When you can teleport through your phone*

Hello! Can you here me?

Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water

KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU

ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]

[car dealership]

“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”

fred flintstone: i’ll take it!

Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.

“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises

Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…

*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

contortionist: what’s wrong?

proctologist: your head’s in the way

Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.

Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.

13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.

Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.

During a calendar lesson today in first grade…

Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?

6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.

dentist: u need to floss

me: no

dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth

me: really

dentist: in a fistfight

me: that sounds unrelated

dentist: it was my fist. do what i say

*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin

I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.

Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.

My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.

– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.

“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people

ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head