nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
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I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
sliding into dms like
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google