Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it

“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”

Remember folks 😂

Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?

Me *reports him to Human Resources*

I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

My kid said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.

How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim

Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?

Husband: We should go to Costco.

Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?

H: I said Costco, not Walmart.

Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*

Me: I wish something of mine would go viral.

*youngest comes home from school with the flu*

Me: Not like that.

I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.

Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?

Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

Dead
Alive
Other✔

My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.

My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.

In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.

[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?

[first day as librarian]

guy: i’m looking for a book—

me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK

Here to help

Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”

You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.

WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE

I love how people think those little cheese knives are for serving cheese, like awwww that’s cute no those are for *defending* your cheese, trust no one