Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?

I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.

You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.

5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

Me: You grew. How is that my fault?

5: You fed me.

Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.

If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this

I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.

Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.

Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”

Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.

Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit

“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw

The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.

Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”

63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe

Death: I’m coming for you.

Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.

Death: Lol, k.

Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.

Death: You’re not even that hot.

There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.

Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!

MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*

Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine

Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.

Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down