Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”

i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.

wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.

“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.

Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs

Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.

demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work

My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”

Dr: You’ve gained some weight

Me: You said I should take it easy

Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick

Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER

According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.

A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.

I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”

[The glare was EPIC]

Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful

A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing

I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.

*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

[first date]

him: what’s the one word that best describes you?

me: I’m acerbic

him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia

me: no it means I have a sharp tongue

him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food

“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”

Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids

If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady

If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch

Women can’t win

Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…

They have an Elon Musk.

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.