Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.

The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes

A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody

(gets elected)

Me: I never said that.

“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”

Two seconds later:

[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating

Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.

I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.

12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!

The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”

SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO

*ring bearer vomits*

not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret

*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”

Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings

8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”

Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade

Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay

Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.