Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
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I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
‘I know a black person’
– White people
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping