Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
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The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
that colleague who touches your screen
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.