Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
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my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv