Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
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Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
then why did i get this email
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Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
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Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.