Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
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I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?
Me: It’s because…holy shit
Kid: You just ran that stop sign
Me: Shut up give me a second
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles