Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
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abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Blocking them isn’t enough. I hope they get unexpected guests.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.