Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.

Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.

[ First day as a British comedy account ]

I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

What the hell did you order?

– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving

Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed

guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy

guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop

Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.

[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please

School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –

WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.

ME: *barely audible* a detourist

WIFE: Get out.

Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.

Always…

Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

COMPUTER: Your password has expired.

ME: So it’s a passéword.

Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement

Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.

80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

6-year-old: Is it cold outside?

Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.

6: I should stay home.