Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
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I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
anyone else like Italian cereal
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.