Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
![]()
You Might Also Like
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Spoiler Alert: I was late
![]()
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry CavillAnd, no, it’s not a chowder class.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!![]()
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?