Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
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*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
