Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.

[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?

(Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.

My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”

We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.

If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣

I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]

Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”

I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.

political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.

Invention of the hug:

“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”

The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.

I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep

Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!

GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian

[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere

I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it

It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.

Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.

“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine

Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?

“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”

[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]

I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?

Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.