Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
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Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change