Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
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You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
All I’m saying is, a loose grip on reality is better than no grip on reality.
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
dictator is short for richard potato
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok