Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
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Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.