nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
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Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.