Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.

Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .

Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.

[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.

If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister

MOM: finish your dinner

SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full

MOM: hi full, I’m mom

DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*

[hitting on a girl]

ME: can I buy you a beer?

HER: no thanks

ME: so two beers then?

HER: i said no thanks

ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open

if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions

Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.

Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

Mugger: give me everything you got

Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want

Mugger: ok nevermind

HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”

Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.

“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”

me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that

customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct

When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.

Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?

Me: Are you volunteering?

It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again

Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy

Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.