nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
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“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.