nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
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*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.