Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay

The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.

It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.

Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.

My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water

Checkmate, Allegiant

[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire

If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.

Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid

Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool

Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2

Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so

scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10

scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves

If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old

Him: what’s your favorite season?

Me: Reese’s Egg Season

[at restaurant]

Table for two please.

“Do you have reservations?”

Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.

God: you’re a penguin.

Penguin: actually I’m a spy.

God: uh no you aren’t.

Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?

God: that’s just what you look like.

Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.

God:

Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.

Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.

I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!

Nature abhors a vacuum

My dog: frfr

Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.