Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.

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Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.


[First date]

Her: I like bad boys.

Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.


Define Marriage: It’s a way through which two people join together to solve the problems they never had before.


[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]


[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there


her: this man needs medical help

me: let me through I’m a doctor

her: why are you opening his mouth?

me: no cavities

her: he’s having a heart attack

me: flosses regularly

her: do something

me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great


Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”


Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.