Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
You Might Also Like
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Define Marriage: It’s a way through which two people join together to solve the problems they never had before.
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Give me your water, Human!
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.