@junejuly12

Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.

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@KentWGraham

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

@jonnysun

a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair

@AnnietheNanny1

If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.

@LimeyTheGreat

Went out to dinner last night & the hostess asked me “Where would you like to sit?” I replied “preferably on a seat.” #accomplished

@shahnischmani

Just heard a lady say she’s been shopping at this Kmart for the last 15 years, and I was like, “doesn’t your family miss you?”

@AndyShulk

If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.

@sixfootcandy

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

@SurlyJon

And that, class is why we keep our mouths shut whilst changing a sewer pump.

@aksorojas

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

@UncleDuke1969

Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.