Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
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Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Good morning.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you