Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
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Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
#titanic
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.