Nobody told me that it takes 1-2 business days to put a snow outfit on a toddler
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I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
this year felt like being awake during surgery
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up