Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.

A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.

Going to the bank for a loan, so excited can’t even put my ski mask on

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it

I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.

Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.

Live, Laugh, Love

Leer, Lunge, Lactate

Do things that start with L

People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence

A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔

So, I turned it into wine.

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.

Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️

Wife: hey you shocked me!

Me: oh no! I am so sorry.

Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.

Me: [under breath] pika pika.

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.

It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.

-everyone on Twitter

Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat

sigh

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.

I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO

I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.

My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.

Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this