Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
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I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Cake!!
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
him: you’re an perfect 10.
me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—
shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.