Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
You Might Also Like
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.