Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
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Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
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My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
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Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER