nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
You Might Also Like
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”