Dave is coming over.
Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?
Outside: THIS RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
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Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Mexico should agree to pay for the wall then once it’s built tell Trump he did a terrible job and refuse to pay up.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
[finds sock with hole in it]
[puts sock back in same drawer]
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.