nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
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Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
This kid will have a bright future.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.