nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
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Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa