nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
You Might Also Like
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
oh my god
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Genius idea!!
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.