Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[courtroom]

me: good morning, Judge McDonald

Judge: you will address the court properly

Me:

Judge: or be found in contempt

Me: Good morning, Your Ronald

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face

I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.

Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this

My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”

I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”

I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life

Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl

hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad

added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.

mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice

There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.

*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*

Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.

Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.

How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator

Teacher: Any questions

*raises hand*

T: NO DUMB ONES

“Can you see continent names from space”

T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud

You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing

Wife: I took a pregnancy test

Me: positive?

Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick

Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.

Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

*playing hide & seek with my group*

5: I’m only going to count to ten

Me: why?

5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet