Nobody wants to see your Ice Bucket Challenge video.

Good talk.

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For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.


Rejected names for lumberjacks:


“I’m not usually religious, but…” – Dan Mintz

#LGBT #gayrights #equality #atheist


*pushes vending machine over



I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.


prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”


I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.


Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t


Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.