@TheMichaelRock

Nobody wants to see your Ice Bucket Challenge video.

Good talk.

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@HallpassCanada

For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.

@DanielRCarrillo

Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims

@GodlessUtopia

“I’m not usually religious, but…” – Dan Mintz

#LGBT #gayrights #equality #atheist
#ReligiousFreedom
.
.

@mydmac

*pushes vending machine over

NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

@BrianIncognito

I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.

@KeetPotato

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”

@offbeatoliv

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

@JoshuaTurek

Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t

@cambuslad

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.