“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
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We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
“TGIM!” – My liver
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.