“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
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Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I fixed it. For me
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force