nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
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TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*