Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
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McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else