Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
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Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me