Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not

A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.

If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get

After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.

me choking on my own saliva for no reason.

Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.

4: When can I wear 13 shirts?

Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes

Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”

Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~

*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*

Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”

Client: “Oh I don’t have one”

Me *blinking intensely*

Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday

Me: whatever

[next day, watching game]

Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium

Me: what

[theres a knock on the door]

Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you

My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.

[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*

Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.

My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.

i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house

this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista

[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]

COACH: you idiots *melts*

“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles

Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.

There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.

The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them

It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.

Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.