Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
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[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M