Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
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I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
Icarus loved hot wings.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken