Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.

Stop sending me this shit.

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken… what

Me: what

Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

Me: I’m so bored.

Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?

Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!

Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.

Husband: But you just woke up.

Me: Exactly.

Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish

burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that

wife: [sits up] oh my god

husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed

burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch

Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.

Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:

*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~

I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990

Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?

I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck

One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.

what kind of cook setting is this??

I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.

Pescaterian: eats fish

Pestcaterian: eats insects

Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character

Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”

If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.

And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”

Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!

I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue