nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
