nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
