nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion
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how much does a mortician urn in a year
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.