Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.

I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.

I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

ME: we should do this agai-

DATE: im busy that day

Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party

No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.

*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*

Wife: OH MY GOD

*slams brakes*

Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture

Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:

1) Know when to hold em.

2) Know when to fold em.

3) Know when to walk away.

4) Know when to run.

When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.

Griddle me this!!

– Batman villain ordering breakfast.

His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.

-Oreo to milk

Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.

#Caturday

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now

woman: three times though?

bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling

Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles

inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..

My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys

Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?

Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.

Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.

Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.

Me: seriously not a cult.

Dad: what do you call all those people?

Me:

Mom:

Dad:

Me: my followers.

[out to eat with in-laws]

Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne

Wife: Hey these are my parents

Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.

Psychologist : What is troubling you.?

Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.

Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?

Me : Next Monday.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.