nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
S/o to @funTweeters .
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
