nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
The worst thing you can do while cleaning is sit down for a minute 😭
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
