Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.

Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.

“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog

2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene

I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.

ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now

FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—

ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.

He’s an artificial sweetner.

satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-

me: wow you’re tall

satan: thanks?

me: how tall are you?

satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?

me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny

‘To do’ list:

1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry

Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.

Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.

Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who’s also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that

Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH

Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.

Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.

The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.

This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it

Why enunciation matters:

9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers

Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???

9yo: …BOXES!

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.

[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse

“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”

HO_SE BOAT

I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat

I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.

🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!

– Bon Schröedi

I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it