Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?

She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.

The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.

127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can

[enter password]

“dog”

[password must be longer]

“dachshund”

Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.

my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.

A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”

HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!

Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale

girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!

[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

Her: baby I’m so wet

Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?

I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.

I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara

I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related

Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:

Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.

“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”

Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.

Me: but I’ve had them forever.

Wife: exactly!

Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.

Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.

Me: you’re welcome?

Wife: no.

learning about math 🧐 📝

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.