Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
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3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
love pickles so much i put myself in one
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
every college guy’s fridge