Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay

❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard

-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night

A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:

“That’s a bit of a blow”

road rage

ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?

HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops

Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement

Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.

Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.

Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap

My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.

(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT

*speed dating bell rings

Me: Why are you breaking up with me?

Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.

[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us

Trying

Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”

That sucks. What’s he like?

“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”

But what’s his personality-

“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”

How’s his personali-

“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean

angel: sounds fearsome

god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

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The Chosen Phew

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.

Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?

Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??

I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?

me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas

My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.