nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back
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Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.