Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.

Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.

The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks

i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey

I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….

Maybe just one…

My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.

Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.

“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.

I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.

I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.

[DOG COP TV DRAMA]

DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!

SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.

Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*

“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”

My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.

The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.

Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.

We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.

Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.

I guess that means no one came.

satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo

SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*

CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.

Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.

Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

Effort made

Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.