nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back
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My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?