Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.

Him: Why’d you shave it off?

Me: I just told you…

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad

It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”

Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…

[meeting new people]

Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself

Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually

I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.

11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini

Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.

Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?

ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.

What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.

Shrek + Akira = Shakira???

oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot

Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?

Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:

1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Me: How was school?

11-year-old: It was a normal day.

Me: So it was good?

11: I didn’t say that at all.

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”

Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment

What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.

*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD

All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.

I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it