Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
You Might Also Like
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Anyone really
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Things will get butter, keep churning
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
What’s dopamine is dopayours.