Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk

*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?

Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder

My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.

Who will tell him he’s not a dog !

Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff

Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.

Home Depot employee: …

I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.

At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies

even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey

Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

*during sex

Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?

My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

[invention of spaghetti]

Inventor: i made them very long

Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?

Inventor: lol no why

My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?

[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”

People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.

My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal

HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.

– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell