Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
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Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.