Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you never know what burdens people are dealing with

High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it

It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something

Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x

If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.

No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.

I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.

It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.

*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF

*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR

*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.

My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.

In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.

ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…

#Caturday

Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.

Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.

Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.

YES MY CHILD

Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range

The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”

[goes back in time]

Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!

The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear

Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on

I want hashbrown pills.

~the guy who invented Tater tots

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.

The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends