Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
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Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last