Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.

Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?

Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?

Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.

the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one

When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.

Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.

him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it

me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?

LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN

Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes

[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up

My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.

Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”

Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”

Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”

So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.

“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.

Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again

Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

his wife is probably gonna see that

Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.

I know this now.

*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.

Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️

The sacred texts.

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

Don’t frighten the programmers!

FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN

[frogs start falling from sky]

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”