Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sound of can opening]

wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?

me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday

wife: but we’re still at church

Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you

Me: Where was he?

Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car

Me *impressed* he really went for it

Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”

*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*

[at a store]

Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?

*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*

Clerk: Well, they’re polarized

The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.

I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years

She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person

Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.

WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic

THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?

ME: No. It should be fewer arguments

Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart

Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!

I hope this is the year Santa brings me a DNA testing kit so I can finally figure out which kid has been leaving all the glasses in the sink after I’ve cleaned the kitchen

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or

This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.

After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*

I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.

imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.

This could’ve been an email.

My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.

[my dog poops]

man: pick it up!

[my dog poops faster]

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point

3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!

Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??

7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!

The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.