Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.

*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*

on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

“My phone is blowing up!”

*2 unread messages*

Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”

Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.

A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon

he was correct

Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: ok.

God: you have a great memory.

Elephant: what does that mean?

God: you never forget.

Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?

God:

Elephant:

God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.

HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

*throws nickel at grandpa*

I need more magic ear money.

Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

[first day as a drug dealer]

Buyer: got any Morphine?

Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.

My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today

She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.

[Chocolate Cake 101]

Sober: Use a fork

Stoned: Use your fingers

Drunk: Use your face

BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip

the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me

This is the one

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.

When I have sex with someone I high Five them.

*slaps hands together.

[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all

Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?